After years of working with, mentoring and coaching men, I think I’ve heard it all:
“We haven’t had sex in over ten years…”
“Love making, what’s that?”
“My wife makes the North Pole look like a tropical beach resort.”
Then, there is the inevitable question, “Why?” which often comes up in discussions about relationships or sex.
Let me throw a few examples at you:
“Why doesn’t she want to be with me?
“Why is she so frigid?
“Why can’t we talk?
“Why don’t we Kiss anymore?
And oh yes,
“We had more sex before we got married. Why?” (Really guys???)
I work with both Christians and non-Christians, and interestingly, the questions are all the same.
I want to give you the answer to a Lifelong Honeymoon – it’s in the Kissin, and as the old Journey song says, the “Lovin, Touchin, & Squeezen” must also be active in our everyday interaction with our spouses. I’ve discovered that most marriages missing these elements end up with little or no togetherness or joy in the relationship.
For instance, I’ve heard men complain their wives are like 40lb. blocks of ice in the bedroom. “Who needs A/C?” they ask. In most cases, there is no romance, no sharing of dreams, no walks together, no private long talks over dinner, no hugging, no hand holding, no caressing touches… Men, if you don’t have these things, you’ll never get to the kissin!
Look at what God ordained from the beginning in Genesis 2:18, “ The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” God intended for us to be ‘together’, and He definitely meant more than just ‘breathing the same air’. We’ve got to participate!
When I hear of separated, yet ‘living together’ marriages, I can only wonder at how lonely it must be for these individuals to coexist ‘separately’.
Unfortunately, the truth is though, I can do more than JUST wonder. I experienced one of those, “I’m all alone when I’m with you” marriages for over twenty years. I know what it’s like to:
- Feel alone in a relationship
- Feel mistrusted
- Feel disrespected
- Feel unloved
But, I am here to tell you that while there was enough blame to go around on both sides of the coin, I was a different person then and I certainly wasn’t working to be Prince Charming in the relationship.
Only now can I tell you of how it should be. We should feel completed and fulfilled when we are with our mate, not alone and separate, and it’s an incredible feeling! As Sherry and I work hard to make sure we stay on a lifelong honeymoon, it’s clear that a little work along the way leads to a lot of love and togetherness.
What does this ‘work’ look like?
I’ve learned we have to share ourselves with ours spouses, force open the door of truth and honesty with them, start the conversation, tell them our feelings, desires and fears, and shower them with love and affection – THIS is where vulnerability meets love connection and a new life as one begins. This interaction is necessary to start something new. This is when we experience the suction of the God-given covenant, and feel the love He intended for us to enjoy begin to strengthen and grow.
And guess where all of this leads? To the Kissin’ folks! And kissing is personal. Very, very personal. And very important.
Kissing is intimate. Special. Men listen up here! This is where we fall short.
Kissing, the touch of lips, the sharing of your love through the most special, intimate connection, is the bond that holds you together.
If you don’t actively love your wife, consistently, genuinely and passionately from start to finish – from talking to holding hands to kissing to making love, she will lose her desire for you and her Knight in Shining Armor will quickly become her toad.
Toads get no kissin! Toads get no lovin!
Who in their right mind wants to make love to a toad? You have to treat your wife like she is the lady of your dreams! Because she is, right?
Then, and only then, will she be the wife and lover you’ve always dreamed of.
I know that I’ve taken a lot of shots down range at the men here, and I know the ladies have responsibility in this too. Ladies, a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T goes a very long way to win the man you used to love back! That dog will hunt if you let him. As a man, I only coach men, so I am simply better equipped to speak from this side of aisle, but I do know it takes two!
Finally, we are all capable of change, forgiving and starting over! Change can happen in an instant if we desire it. Make a decision to change NOW!
God’s desire is for us to live in love, fulfilment, harmony, joy and revelation of his purpose for our marriages. We have been called to marriage and to accomplish God’s destiny as man and wife.
Men, we need the helper that God has given us: our Wife!
Something Missin? Might Be the Kissin! Make it happen!
Lindon and Sherry Gareis offer Christian Life Coaching, both individually and couple to couple. Want information? Please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org